Baby and Traffic Court

Today a face like this was with me in a place where people are paid to openly dehumanize other human beings, a place where the immoral dregs of society (i.e. some government employees) like to beat your morale to a pulp -- traffic court.

It was me, not she, who got the speeding ticket a few months ago.

But moving to a house and going through a rigorous adoption process around this time were enough to make me a tad addle-brained. Nevertheless, I do take full responsibility for doing what humans occasionally do: forget.

So today I found myself and baby going to the courthouse and paid $80 for the honor of seeing a judge, who told me I'm now eligible to take the course again, and then I paid $59 for the privilege of being able to take the course in 4-6 weeks.

So when Ari and I first got there, the jerk behind the traffic school counter said (to me, not she), "You are proven guilty. So what are you going to do about it?" Too shocked to give him a deft reply, I asked what my options were, and this microorganism responded in an unintelligible grunt. When a nice woman behind the counter offered to help me because here I was with an adorable baby, I gladly accepted her help instead.

She said I was technically guilty, and before she could continue, Mr. Microorganism interrupted with, "See, I told you so. What do you think about that?" By this time, I was ready. I said, "Sir, you have done nothing but treat me with disrespect. I demand to be treated with respect."

Shocked, he slithered away, and the woman continued to say that I'd be fine if I just followed proper protocol. So I was happy with that. She asked me how old my precious daughter was, and I told her. Even the judge smiled a bit seeing me with a sleeping child in my arms. Government employees even filled out parts of forms for me.

That's right. For me. All because I had a baby in my arms.

So in a weird twist that played out like Paper Moon meets Erin Brockovich, I found that having an adorable child is actually helpful -- in traffic court. And I instantly had the urge to go all Angelina Jolie and adopt, like, several more children. Just to be treated kinder for the rest of my life.

Based on today's observations, here are my tips for how you can be treated more nicely in traffic court: Bring a child. Here are the specifics:

1. The child must not be a newborn; newbies are just blobs without personalities.
2. The child must be no older than two. The cuteness factor diminishes as the kid ages. Also, the terrible twos will get you into trouble in public places.
3. If you do not have kids, bring a friend's.
4. Bring only one child. Sibling rivalry will cause a judge to hate you.
5. If you have a partner, leave him or her at home. The single mom image is the strongest one that will garner the most "oohs" and "aahhs."

Got a great traffic court story? I'd love to hear some, as I need a good laugh to help me recover from today's fiasco. Please feel free to share in the Comments section.





Beth L. Gainer is a professional writer and has published numerous academic and magazine articles, as well as an essay on her breast cancer experience in the anthology Voices of Breast Cancer by LaChance Publishing. She writes about medical advocacy at www.bethlgainer.blogspot.com, and her cat Hemi blogs at www.catterchatter.blogspot.com. Beth teaches writing and literature at Robert Morris University in the Chicago area. She can be contacted at bethlgainer@gmail.com and gainercallingtheshots@gmail.com. She also blogs on the adventures of her cats, Hemi and Cosette, at http://www.catterchatter.blogspot.com./.